This thing of deciding what to focus on for 2014 is turning into an emotional ride through the cobwebs in my head. It is not pretty.
I have a thought that keeps playing over and over in my head. A thought to hang on to for a whole year. A thought to describe the focus I dearly need. It’s terrifying and beautiful and it has seemed impossible for me in the past. A thought I am scared shitless of. It defines everything I want but for some reason have allowed myself to push it aside and label as unattainable because I don’t let myself want it enough. I don’t think I’m capable of doing it. I think of myself as as a poser. A liar. A fraud. And stupid. And just not good enough.
Even to think about it makes me break into hives. I’m not being overly dramatic. This is a fact.
To say it gives it substance. A heaviness. It makes it far too difficult to ignore. Too final. Too specific. As long as it stays private, I won’t fail. So I’ve kept it that way.
That’s the real dilemma for me. That’s the challenge I face. Think it into reality and I am committed to act on it. Say it aloud and I am bound by it.
I’ve tried before. Many times and always come up short. I have to find a way for this time to be different. This time has to work. I’m not sure I have many more “tries” in me. Each time before, I have ended up hating myself for giving up.
This is not a lecture to anyone who reads this. This is a lecture to me. Telling myself to DO it.
If you don’t write, you can’t know that this one thought, this one small concept represents so damn much. Much more than face value. If you are a writer…you know.
This past year I committed myself to begin a healthy life. I did and I’m doing well with only a few bumps along the way so now I need to continue on that path and now I need to do this.
Write. Everyday. 5 words or 5000 words. Doesn’t matter as long as it’s everyday.
This is not a resolution. This is a promise. From me-to me. With love.